For the last year my mother has been sick with leukemia, she’s had cancer twice before in the last twenty-five years so I try to be fairly confident that my mother is superwoman and will be fine. I tried my best to put my best happy face on and wait it out with her. It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere though and most of our conversations end with her feeling dizzy and short of breathe and needing to lay down. I pretend that it’s nothing usually. Lately she’s become less confident about her survival and makes comments about not being around for things, I ignore that too.
For some reason the topic of my biological clock kept coming up yesterday, this is a topic often brought up by my impatient girlfriends when they’re judging my relationship. In case you didn’t know Terrence had a sort of quarter life break down two years ago and decided he no longer wanted to get married or have children, he’s also against anyone else doing it… it’s weird and I think he might be crazy but I wait it out and hope for the best, trust me I’m in no rush. But my friends worry about me getting too attached to a man that doesn’t want the same things out of life as I do, they check in from time to time to see if Terrence’s alien probe has been turned off and ask if he’s normal again yet. He’s for some time been threatening to get a vasectomy to ensure no mishaps and this was the topic at hand last night… over and over again.
I guess all this baby talk was fresh in my head today or something because out of nowhere I began to think about my grandmother and me and started to cry while driving. I never knew my maternal grandmother, cancer took her about four months before I was born, she and my mother were very close and her last words to her my mom were to tell her she would have a daughter and ‘she will be as good to you as you’ve always been to me.’ So my mother named me for her and all my life I’ve been told stories of my amazing grandmother from everyone in my family. I’ve always been jealous that I never knew her and felt kind of robbed of a priceless life experience. So I was thinking of my grandmother and me and immediately thought that my children would have that same deprived feeling about not knowing my amazing mother and it clicked with me and I got really scared for about 1 minute before I shook it off and continued driving.
About thirty minutes ago I was sitting on the couch watching television when out of nowhere I began thinking about breast feeding and what happens to your breast after having a kid, when it happened again… this feeling of panic. I always assumed my mother would teach me all the things I needed to know about being a mom and she’d give me all the tips and tricks that she always told me she would when the time came. As I write this I’m still trying to shake away the panic of losing my mother and not having her there for the most important phases of my life. I’d always assumed that I’d start to think about having children in my mid thirties when I was established and lived some sort of semblance of a life, now I’m starting to feel that stupid clock people talk to me about. My mother became pregnant with me in August… maybe the universe is fucking with me. She’s gonna be fine, she has to be and that’s that… feeling shaken.