Oh I love being a girl!

It’s impossible to feel sick as a girl, you’re never just sick you’re always somehow suspiciously pregnant.  Especially when you’re surrounded by other woman hating females.  When the sickness becomes semi-routine you yourself begin to question it too, it’s absolute bullshit.  I often contemplate celibacy to rid myself of these dirty thoughts but then Terrence would leave me for some horny flat assed girl from the bar, damn.  You’d think that birth control would stomp out the sneaking suspicions but 8 out of 100 women on the pill become pregnant every year.

Last year I went off of the pill and heard no end of complaints about it from Terrence.  15 to 29 out of every 100 people using condoms get knocked up annually.  Not that he would anyway, he just whined in a selfish boy way.  I went off of the pill because I went on it to regulate my cycle in the first place and for 4 months in a row I had no period… not the point of being on it and also very frightening.  Several pregnancy tests later I decided to stay off of it until things in my cycle returned to normal. When after a year of no “Flo” my doctor decided to put me on a new pill, Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo.  We chose this because obviously the Yaz I had been on for years had failed me and prior to that the Yasmin I was on made me ridiculously sick all the time, this new pill was supposed to be superior.

So I’ve been on this new pill for about 6 weeks and last week the girl worries began.  Morning nausea being the first scare, this was only a scare because it was accompanied by tenderness and (I may just be crazy on this one) slight enlargement of my breasts.  The nausea only became more frequent as did my fright and tears.  Not that I have anything against the idea of having a child, I’m very pro-baby… but I’m also a financially ruined and unmarried twenty-five year old with a child hating boyfriend.  Thankfully I have supportive friends that both question my suspicions and add logic to them.  I can’t talk about things like this with Terrence since it would only make him upset and since I also lack a mental health professional in my life my poor friends have to hear it all.  Thankfully no one has yelled at me yet.

You’re probably wondering why I’m coasting through this week of terror without one very obvious solution, a pee stick… yes.  I’ll tell you, I’m trying to hold on to my logic.  I just had my “monthly bill” and I have a gynecologist appointment coming up on Monday so I’m waiting it out.  Not to mention pee sticks are ridiculously expensive and didn’t I just mention the financial ruin? Fear is free.  But as any person with suspicions of illness would do in this day in age I looked up my worries on the internets.  Turns out that this new fancy pill I’m on, the superior pill, the pill to topple all others comes with a few fun side affects.  Familiar friends of mine too, nausea, vomiting, headache or breast tenderness/enlargement may occur… my favorites.  Vindicated!

Why on Earth did I let those woman haters get to me?!  They clouded my right to reason.  Bitches.  And then last night it all came back to me, the terrible experience that I had when I was on Yasmin and then all the nausea made sense and I was finally able to rest easy again.  Oh, how I love being a girl.

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